Anxiety sucks

I had a mini breakdown last night - I hate it when that happens. Nathan hardly slept yesterday. I think the prunes he tried really didn't settle with him, he had gas all day and barely slept. He was a zombie from being so tired so we tried to put him down early. But he woke up during dinner so I got up from the table to get him and I didn't get to eat and I was starving.

I was also very very careless while making dinner and was preparing chicken just a little too close to some clean bottles so I played it safe and tossed them into the sink for a rewash and sterilization later.

Nathan kept crying after dinner so I changed him and then headed downstairs to make a bottle. I started assembling a bottle and then I realized that I hadn't washed my hands after changing him so I ended up tossing ALL of the clean and sterile bottle parts in the sink. At this point I had not one bottle or any bottle part clean and sterile and Nathan is upstairs crying his little heart out. So I washed my hands and started handwashing stuff to make a bottle. I tossed them in the sterilizer and popped it in the microwave for 5 minutes. I could have pulled my dinner out of the fridge and ate it during this time but I really wasn't thinking clearly (or sanely) so I just stood there looking at my kitchen thinking how dirty it was and how I'm such a bad homemaker for not mopping my floor or cleaning off the stovetop. I could feel my nerves about to snap.

The microwaved beeped and I'm supposed to leave the lid on it for a few minutes but my little baby is hungry and crying so I take the lid off and get a steam burn on my hand - which is still red today - then proceeded to make a bottle but noticed that the nipple ring is dirty. I snapped then and ended up having a little freak-out. My husband had taken Nathan off my hands while I was in the kitchen but he came down and found me crying on the kitchen floor. I was so mad that I had been so careless with all the bottles, not washing my hands, preparing raw chicken next to the bottles, not having been able to eat and kicking myself for giving Nathan prunes since we all know what prunes do and he was feeling it and suffering. I'd just spent 5 minutes waiting for the bottles to get sterilized and they weren't even clean in the end.

Apparently though, Nathan had fallen asleep while I was doing all of this. He was sleeping soundly in his crib upstairs. My husband got on the floor with me and hugged me and we talked. He cleaned up for me and washed and sterilized some bottles while I sat at the table and finally ate my dinner.

I'm feeling better today but still have this lingering depression feeling hanging over me. I'm just not happy and I hate this feeling. I mean I'm happy and grateful and feel blessed for being alive and having a family and all that, I just feel stagnant in other parts of my life and am having a hard time fixing that. Money is tight, my dad isn't feeling well, we don't have a doctor anymore... Oh well, first things first and that's try to find a doctor so I can talk about all of this and maybe try some medication. I'm supposed to be going to church this Sunday with a woman from my group, maybe that will be good for me.

No solid foods for Nathan today, I think I'll give his tummy a break.